emotions

hmm.
i dont know why i feel this way.
it could be after seeing someones profile and knowing the someone is attached.
i should be happy for the someone.
but somehow. somewhat. i dont .
instead, i feel sad. and a sense of betrayal.
sad because i had failed yet again.
as a boyfriend.
i always say, i aint a good boyfriend.
hell, i aint much a good friend either.
i am always living in my own little world. and only i seem to have problems.
self centered. selfish. self absorbed
yeah. i think i am.
sense of betrayal.
because the someone said wont be getting attached in the near future.
but now is attached.
irony.
wells. i guess when fate and love comes knocking.
you cant really avoid it, can you?
it is the inevitable. that someday, the someone will be together with somebody else.
just that it aint me.
i am starting to ponder.
i aint a good :
1) boyfriend
2) friend
3) employee
4) student
5) son
6) nephew
7) etc
so what am i good at?

second month

if anyone cares to know, mr. bf and i are two months old.
surprise!!
rofl..
anyway. nothing much to update.
somehow we haven had a major quarrel or stuff.
not that i want it to begin with.
so far it had been peaceful and calm. quite smooth sailing.
maybe because mr. bf is the accommodating one, thus able to avoid any big fights.
we are not also not without our problems.
there are days and times that we are just annoyed with each other, over some crappy thing.
i think usually is me. i am the stir shit one.
these days, the lovey dovey is not that intense, which i think is good.
honeymoon period is over.
time to get real.
i look forward to blogging about us in the coming months.

life in general

i should be sleeping at this hour.
because i am suppose to be working tomorrow.
but i need to blog. to destress.
work is as usual, always crappy and horrible.
totally hate it.
the work is mundane and getting routine.
the manager is a arsehole + moron.
customers are a retards + pain in the butt.
the pay isnt sufficient to maintain my sanity.
calls are plentiful and staff are either taking mc. on leave. or dead.
we are overworked!
in short, it sucks.
on a happy note. i got an iphone.
i decide to splurge on one, to indulge + pamper myself.
and my pay is all gone into it.
it is a wonderful piece of shit. totally in love + glue to it.
but batt life sucks much.
with all my endless tweeting. facebooking + blah blah.
charging it like everyday.!
that is the only salvation at work these days.
beside mr. bf.
who is always working late, to finish/ clear his work.
which means we are meeting later. dinnering later too.
which makes me kinda moody + crappy.
i know he needs to finish his work.
but i just hate the waiting. because when we go for dinner.
the dinner venues are all flooded with people. i dont know why everywhere is flooded with people.
kinda irritates + piss the shite outta me.
not a hard task to begin with. i am quite easily annoyed.
and i am like picking on mr. bf.
evil me.. i just feel irritated. so yup.

all about love.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Love is always patient and kind;
it is never jealous,
love is never boastful or conceited;
it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth;
it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.
Love does not come to an end.”

I love you not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself,
but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

some reflections..

okay.
i have to be honest.
i am a selfish bf.
people assumes that i treat my friends well, means i will be a good bf.
wells. sorry to be truthful, it doesnt work out that way.
i am a good friend, but i cant say the same as a bf.
it seems i always want the last say.
from dining venues, meetup locations and things to do when we are going out.
even though i say i am okay with any locations or anything, in the end, i get my way.
significant other is usually the one giving in to me.
i think i am spoiled rotten. or just plain self centered.
i want significant other to send me home, but i never did once did the same.
the only time i did offer my company will be the days that i am staying over.
i seriously fail as a bf. i dont really ask “how is the day at work”, or the usual routine ” good morning” etc messages.
i used to fair better than that. i would have the good morning, good afternoon, good night and the blah blah messages.
but maybe after a while, the exs doesnt appreciate it, i just dont do them anymore. and now i dont even do it at all.
i know it is a crap excuse. but somehow, i aint that romantic or idealistic anymore.
it could be due to being more jaded and cynical.
or i am just self centered and plain selfish.
i think i need some self reflection. to do something about it.
not out of routine. or for the sake of it. but more because i love u.

:))

i am grateful to have a doting bf.
enough said.

..

有惊无险的过了一个月。
we had been together for one month.
though it is not a long time, but for me it is quite an achievement.
this is not to say i am a whore and changes my partner frequently.
but just that i am always quite jinx in relationship matters.
my relationship never seems to survive past the one month benchmark, and the only time it did was the first one, which doesnt constitute, because we broke up and patch back again.
that is why it manage to survive.
i am feeling insecure. i dont know why.
there seems to be a nagging feeling that something will occur or happen and my happiness will be short-lived.
am i a worrysome freak or wad?
i really want this to last.！
okay. i think i am talking gibberish.

PS: he asked me why i like him. and i told him i dont have a reason. i cant really pin point a reason.
but all i know and feel that he is really good to me.
and i feel comfortable around him. i can be myself.
is it a reason? i dont know.
他对我真的很好。很疼我。那是重点。不是吗？

my virginal trip to KL

my first time to KL. on budget airline.
mr. bf had wanted to take a coach but i refused.
there was no way i was going to spend 4 hours on the coach doing nothing.
and we decide to fly.
we touched down at KL around 2300 and Jimmy came to fetch us.
i had managed to persuade him to come pick us at the airport.
the ride from the KL LCCT to KL main city was a long ride. it took us forever.
finally we managed to reach the hotel, where we checked in and dumped our bags before heading out to grab some bite.
we were starving. we din managed to eat anything while at the airport.
it was yet another ride to the hill top for some food.
the view was splendid, food was okay but the service was horrors.
one of the orders decided not to appear and we had to cancel it.
thereafter, we went back to the hotel to catch some eye winks.
my initial plans were to wake up for breakfast in the hotel and also for dim sum.
but sleepy head me slept till about 11am, by that time the hotel breakfast hours were over and was too late for dim sum.
mr. bf was happily sleeping away. and he had wanted to wake up at 9ish for gym. if i hadnt went to disturb him, he would be still snoring away on the bed. so much for wanting to wake up early.
brunch was at crystal jade in a nearby mall and did some shopping.
then we proceed to The Pavilion, one of the huge arse mall in KL.
it was a huge mall alright, and there were plenty of shops.
i managed to get a new sweater from adidas, while Mr. BF got a ton load of stuff from the mall.
we decided to take a rest at a hongkong cafe, and there was wireless in the cafe, i managed to tweet and i chanced upon Justin was in KL too.
i managed to persuade him to come join us at Pavilion, which he took forever to come over.
finally he arrived and we went hunting for coach tickets for justin. he had forgotten to pre-book his tickets back to sgp.
along the way, it started to pour like mad. and the traffic was horrifying. thank god we had jimmy who drives and was able to bring us around. the public transport system was terrible, which i was going to find out the next day.
we managed to secure tickets for justin and his friend at some place. then, we adjoined for dinner.
it was a filling dinner, with loads of food. after dinner, we send justin back to his hotel while we hang out at some IT mall, which was like Sim Lim Square in sgp.

escape from work

i took a few days of leave from work.
from last wed (28.10.2009) to yesterday ( 02.11.2009)
it was a good break from the work, which was getting crappy.
on wed, i managed to laze around the house. which was a luxury.
for thurs, i went to the jurong bird park with my fellow colleagues, urica & doresa.
we had a field day exploring the park & snapping pictures of all kinds of birds.
and mozzies love me. i had countless bites.
on fri, i packed my bags for my KL trip and met up with nick in town.
we had tea at coffee club, catching up on our lives and gossiping about others.
then i accompanied him to wait for his date before i took a train to meet my bf.
the bf came to pick me up at aljunied and we cabbed to the airport.
we did some shopping at the airport before boarding the plane to KL.
it was my first time on a budget airline ( Air Asia) and also a first to KL.
i am such a country bumpkin eh.
it was a nice break away from sgp and i enjoyed myself at KL, with the company of Jimmy, mr. bf and justin.
mr bf and i came back on sunday and i came home on monday morning.
and i spent the day catching up on sleep.
now, i am getting ready to start work at 1500 later.
gosh.. time flies when one is on break and away from work.

gathering of sorts.

it was nice to be able to meet up with eileen & amira for dinner.
along with juv, urica and another colleague.
ever since we ended training and svc, we haven met up.
it was a wonderful feeling to be able to see each other and catch up.
i wonder how is the rest of the class, besides the gang that is at my side.
i hope everything had been good for them. maybe we should plan a gathering of sorts, but i think it could be mean feat. we are all in different cluster. different shift timing and whats not.
we had dinner at aston specialities, which was my first.
i had seen the queue whenever i passes by the restaurant.
the food was passable, and the pricing is affordable too.
we had a nice time catching up. the main topic for the night was some cso from urica team, who is a terror. and we had a field time talking about her.
the night ended at quite an early time, as some of them had to work tomorrow.
as for me, i am going on leave.
time to relax and rot.
and look forward to my trip with bf.